L.S.D and a few other old friends.

I’ve been here. The acid is still in my head as i type out these words and it feels like something has to be said about what happened while the memory, and more importantly the feeling lasts. I’ve just realized I’ve never written on acid before. I am incredibly sensitive to everything right now, and a little vulnerable. But it feels friendly.

Nothing has been solved. Nothing has been accomplished. But i don’t see why something has to be accomplished in the first place. who came up with that shit?

Everything goes.

Communication is vital. But sometimes much is said even when you’re not speaking.

Funny is good. Funny is awesome. Laugh. Cause it’s funny. (WTF :P)

A person who is a good tripper is the kind of person you want around you.

I need to remember to surround myself with positive things. This is so fucking important and just so obvious why the fuck would i let some dumb, retarded shit into my reality? Need to be careful.

There is an incredible difference between people who want to get better and people who think they are people who should want to get better. The latter are toxic.

I miss my friends.

I can’t think and type. i Can just type. Thinking is a hindrance. it adds impurities.

Breathe. Motherfucker.

Did i tell you am on acid? 😛

L.S.D didn’t answer the questions. It just showed me there is no one to ask to.

How am i ever going to end this post?

And then there was nothing.

School made me nervous.
Exams made me nervous.
Result day made me nervous.
Girls made me nervous.
Tomorrow made me super nervous.

Then I started getting high.

The cigarettes fucked my lungs.
The pot fucked my motivation.
The porn fucked my emotions.
The television fucked my perception.

Then I stopped.

I stopped smoking pot and drinking booze.
I stopped jacking off to pixels.
I started going to the gym.
I started getting things done.

I got clean.

The nervousness increased.
The restlessness increased.
The desperation increased.
The anger.
The fear.
The self-loathing.
More frustration.

Now am here.

Still no sex.
still no money.
Still no clear direction.
Still emotionally fucked.

But I woke up the other day at 5 in the morning as usual and I went out the terrace. I saw the stars and the moon, and I watched them till the sun peaked out. Then I watched the sun. And heard the birds sing. And breathed in the cool morning air. Salty from the ocean nearby.

My mind empty.

My soul calm.

I didn’t want anything anymore. Too tired.

Too tired from trying.

So i just watched.

And I let go…

🙂

I let go.

Obsessions Of A Reckless Teenager.

Growing up I almost never watched t.v. My dad was one of THOSE guys. So no t.v, and no decent computer because I loved gaming. Of course the games that DID run I played for 6-7 hours straight if I could (on holidays when my parents left for work). All my friends had cool computers and cable t.v. I hated my dad for depriving me that.

BOOKS

I read a lot. A LOT. and I read anything I could get my hands on. Novels, Comics, Self-help books and even those women magazines where chicks asked advice for their crappy sex lives. Note that I was 10 maybe 11 and those mags were forbidden, which made reading them all the more fun. I hated school. But I did’t mind reading the textbooks so i wasn’t THAT bad at some subjects. but I preferred what I called “real” books. So my father came up with the “one book per visit” policy. Basically every time he took me to the bookstore I could pick one book only. Torturous. So I read them over and over again. I read The lord of the rings more times then i care to remember. The inheritance cycle a couple of dozen times, His dark materials at least 20 times. I borrowed books from my cousin on the sly, I would sneak them into my backpack when my father wasn’t looking and read them incognito.

MUSIC

In 2003 I was in third grade and I remember I was at my a friend’s house, surfing through their t.v when i happened upon a local music channel, the kind that had lots of adverts on screen and the actual music video is barely visible, and I saw something that would stay with me for a long time after. This guy was doing something. Something so awesome it gave me goosebumps. He was moving, and talking, and the words were just magical, flowing to the rhythm of the music. That guy, I would later find out was mike shinoda. Vocalist of the band linkin park, and he was rapping. The song was in in the end. And i was in love.

So i begged my neighbor, an older kid, to gimme a c.d with linkin park’s songs. I think I bugged him for a week before he got pissed off, asked me to get an empty DVD (which i stole from my dad) and he disappeared inside. I stuck around the wall that separated our houses for an hour before he came out, and threw the disk at me, “Next time i’m going to charge you for this.” I ran inside, fired up the old computer, stuck the DVD in, and all hell broke loose.

Hybrid Theory and Meteora were the only albums out at that time by linkin park. And in two I knew every word, every lyric by both mike shinoda and chester “chazz” bennigton by heart. I loved it. I lived it. I WAS it. Besides from LP my he had given a whole bunch of other songs by artists I had never heard of (Until then I just listened to what my sister listened to and that was Westlife, Blue, Backstreet Boys e.t.c) but would listen to religiously for the next 10 years almost. Eminem,Disturbed,50-cent,DMX,DR.dre,2pac,fort minor…they became my world.

GIRLS, DRUGS AND BOOZE.

The hell that I thought would never end just up and disappeared. Middle school was over. We were seniors. And we were on top of the food chain. Puberty was finally started working out for me. I was never a remarkably cute kid. I had a baby’s face and had a girly face that my sister made sure i was constantly, painfully, aware of.
But not anymore, I lost the baby fat, my jaw became prominent, I had a fuzzy goatee that made me stand out (in a good way) and I was bigger. Suddenly….I was popular. The one thing I’d hated all my life had suddenly turned into something so awesome that I could never really figure out how the hell it happened.
I started smoking cigarettes, pot, and started drinking in a span of less than 3 months.
It was wrong they had said. It was bad they had said. It was dangerous they had said. And I loved doing them. I lIked pot more then drinking and that hasn’t changed. I smoked every chance i got. Initially me, and a bunch of other guys would go the one pothead we knew (he had studied in the same school we did) and smoke with him on his terrace, constantly checking to see his mom wasn’t coming up. It was pure charity on his part. I think he was a lonely kid. But eventually we started “scoring” ourselves. We could go to a nearby guy, That was 20 minutes on the motorcycle but he sold spiked shit. According to popular rumor he spiked it with Ratkill. If we wanted clean shit we had to go into the city, through the exhaust fumes, and the traffic, and the occasional cop trying to catch you (a hundred bucks and a lot of begging would ensure your freedom, but if you try to go past him and he still catches you, it’s still a hundered bucks and lots of begging but with a dose of ass whopping thrown in) past the Buddha standing tall in the middle of the water, and into the dirtier side of the city. It was worth it.
I experimented with acid, pot edibles, hash and one one occassion the infamous “whitener”. Not gonna do that again for sure. Cocaine and MDMA seem to be on the menu for this summer.

I got caught on multiple occasions making out with multiple girls, In multiple places under multiple circumstances. And the consequences differed depending on the circumstances. The worst was when my mom saw me necking a girl and gave me a whole lot of drama for it. I can’t take drama. I prefer being grounded (i’ll sneak out don’t worry) or an ass whopping, but my parents never hit me or mu sister.I got suspended from school once for a week cause i got caught with a girl behind the abandoned gym next to the mini basketball court. My parents never found out, I got to the letter they sent home before them and i left for school every day only i crashed at a friend’s place. Girls were incredible I thought and I still do. Just incredible. Something about girls that could just turn my day around in a jiffy. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. Though I’ve told a lot of girls I loved them. Am not proud of lying to them but you have to know that I lied to myself too every time I said it. Sex was great. And my mind could make up any lie to get it.

PRESENT DAY

I’ve turned 19 recently. I don’t know how that makes me feel. I’ve been obsessed with things all my life, random things, painful things,things that have changed my life. You see, “liking” something is not good enough. “Ok” is not good enough. It has to be absolutely out of this world, something that can make an impact. The more impact the better. “It either has to be real good, or real bad, cause either way you’re making an impact, everything in between is mediocre”. Madonna wayne gacy said that. Of course he was a drug fiend, and completely insane but that thing he said is right on.
So here I am, older,(wiser?) and I still don’t care for things that fail to be potentially obsessive-capable.
The things i obsess over now have changed, drastically some might say.
I still smoke pot but not so religiously, am still going to do every drug that comes my way, but am not rooting for things to happen. They will happen. Am learning new things. In fact am learning so much in a day now then i did in a year a few years ago. I am growing. I don’t date anymore because I don’t think I want to have mindless sex anymore. Or rather heartless sex anymore. I would like to know how it feels to be in love. But for that i have to wait I guess. I am not so reckless anymore, I drive safer, I smile more often.I don’t take things for granted anymore, I am more grateful. I am making changes. Changes that will make An impact. So this year is my year. To grow, to expand. To obsess over things that will change the course of my life.

And I can’t possibly tell my father how grateful I am for not letting me watch T.v. That shit is toxic.

Right And Wrong….And Everything In Between.

Is anyone ever wrong? No one told me or you it’s wrong to kill your mother or any other person for that matter but we know this is wrong. It is a basic sense of right and wrong that is an integral part of humanity that has been passed down through the generations. So what about the crimes that are legally termed as crimes and everyone (not really everyone but lets go with it) collectively agrees is bad and we punish that person who has committed the crime. But does the collective agreement of what is right or wrong really make it right or wrong? Ok let’s go basic : what is wrong and right? How did we reach this position where (it seems) we have a set of activities/actions that are “right” and ”wrong”? Noble cause corruption. The idea that people might use unethical/unjust/immoral means to reach an end that is for the ”greater good”. But our perspectives are limited (debatable). We see the story from our eyes. We are always the good guys. The victim. The martyr. The person to whom things happen. And we all have a perspective, so unless a person accepts by himself/herself that what they did was wrong and punish themselves as they seem fit, it is unfair to punish/persecute them legally or otherwise. If the judgement is coming externally it is a false one. It’s gotta be. Who are others to pass judgement? What authority do they have and how did they acquire it?A state of nature a.k.a pre social contract (theory) seems to be the ideal sate of human existence. but what about the murderers, the rapists, the thieves and the stronger crushing the weaker when there is no legal institution or an external entity that punishes the wrong doers? Always assuming the wrong doers will fear the consequences of the punishment and restrain from committing the crime? isn’t the will to harm punishable if the restraint only comes due to the fear of punishment? Because the intention is still there. It’s a part of the person. But we accept that or rather do not concern ourselves with that because it doesn’t affect ”reality”(not like we CAN do anything, hence the punishment should be self inflicted). So we are not in a state of nature. We have courts, legal institutions that are meant to prevent ”bad” things. well guess what…bad things happen everyday, every minute, every second all around you. You are walking amongst the abusers and the abused. ”They” is us. A sports team representing your town or university is cheered when won, you boast of the things that people around you achieve as long as they represent your school, your frat house, your society, nation, religion whatever. But when two girls are raped, violated, humiliated, and then hung from a tree by the members of their own village (their crime being that they were born females and fell in love with men outside their caste{one more concept created by the collective}) we isolate the case. We sympathize but it pretty much ends there. But the judgement to rape and kill them came from external ”authority” (the village panchayat). So if a majority of us are the ”bad” guys doesn’t that make us the good guys? just because we are stronger the other side wont have a choice but to conform to what we then term as ”right” and ”wrong” and eventually it will get itched into the minds of the collective whole and a few generations later even the notion of questioning is gone, thus completely rendering the concept of good and bad obsolete. We don’t accept the rapists, the murderers and the wrong doers. Suddenly they are outsiders and you have nothing to do with them. Hypocrites. that’s what we are. Do you break down and cry when a kid goes to his school and shoots his peers? Probably. but do you do the same when another kid joins the army and does the killing in another nation? different people. same blood. but it’s for a ”cause” you might say. But a cause can be created. it can be made of nothing. so it’s back to what is and what isn’t. Do you look inside and around and realize that you grew up in the same society as the rapists, the killers, the common thieves? But you are nothing like them, oh no! You would never do something like that. Because you are you. The good guy. And yet you are the same. The product of an abomination called society. Society is a concept. It is abstract. You can communicate with people, talk to them, debate, reach an agreement e.t.c but when it is ”society” its is an institution. It’s not really there. And you cant’ communicate with something that doesn’t really exist. So what is right and wrong? I have no idea.

I am sorry if you were expecting a conclusion to this….mmmm…..what do i call it? rant? Just a sudden urge to write under the Influence of a certain mind altering substance i guess. Anyway there is no conclusion. I have no answers. I don’t know much of anything. And i would hate to look like am trying to say something profound because am not…

DumbPotHead

the call of food comes,
and the body stumbles, into the kitchen,
with eyes blazing red and mind bemused with everything,
to quite the stomach rumblings, we shall devour,
all things edible, some of them barely,

and the clumsy body drops the plate,
along with leaden treasures it crashes,
the mind recoils,
the mouth curses,
and the heart panics, whilst the body runs,

for it is a bad idea,
to rob a house whilst stoned,
especially whilst stoned,
for now justice shall not be done upon those pleasures,
and mouth still cursing, stomach still crying,
we shall look to other prospects,