Random Shit (Do not read this if you’re a busy person who values their precious time)

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City skylines and dark moody clouds make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. It rained this morning…for approximately 30 seconds, but at 5 in the morning am pretty much the only one up and I couldn’t share this miracle with anyone else. Because it IS miracle. At least in east coastal India in the middle of April.

I think I’ve been trained to look for reason and logic in places where there simply is none. I understand cause and affect, but I also understand that everyday, things happen that defy logic and rationality. Like the woman who lifted her car to save her trapped baby under it. It just happened. There’s a big fuck you to logic and rationality right there. Not to mention physics.

So I was sweating my balls at the gym the other day (Ok not just my balls, but you get it), I was lifting 25 kg on the bench press machine, which was an upgrade (am a skinny guy, don’t hate) and I finish my standard 3 reps and i think to myself “Damn, at this rate am gonna turn into a monster” and bam, the track on my iPod changes and it’s Monster by Imagine Dragons. Coincidence? of course! And am leaving a little while later and I think back about this and I see this guy jogging by in a Monster t-shirt. Double coincidence? OF FUCKING COURSE!!!

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Death From Love Shower

She was 5 foot 1 inch, maybe 2, definitely not more then 3. Huge eyes that could stare into your soul and if you looked into them too long you, would forget what you were saying.

For someone so small she was quite bossy. So when I refused to move a couple of seats so that she could sit next to the air-conditioner, her face turned sour, her fists clenched and she called me “pig headed dick”. I think that’s when I fell for her.

I had to bend down to kiss her even when she was standing on her toes.

Her hands pulling my hair.

Her scent.

And her eyes…those goddamn eyes. Staring into my soul.

And then there was nothing.

School made me nervous.
Exams made me nervous.
Result day made me nervous.
Girls made me nervous.
Tomorrow made me super nervous.

Then I started getting high.

The cigarettes fucked my lungs.
The pot fucked my motivation.
The porn fucked my emotions.
The television fucked my perception.

Then I stopped.

I stopped smoking pot and drinking booze.
I stopped jacking off to pixels.
I started going to the gym.
I started getting things done.

I got clean.

The nervousness increased.
The restlessness increased.
The desperation increased.
The anger.
The fear.
The self-loathing.
More frustration.

Now am here.

Still no sex.
still no money.
Still no clear direction.
Still emotionally fucked.

But I woke up the other day at 5 in the morning as usual and I went out the terrace. I saw the stars and the moon, and I watched them till the sun peaked out. Then I watched the sun. And heard the birds sing. And breathed in the cool morning air. Salty from the ocean nearby.

My mind empty.

My soul calm.

I didn’t want anything anymore. Too tired.

Too tired from trying.

So i just watched.

And I let go…

🙂

I let go.

Random realizations that may or may not mean anything.

“Self help is masturbation, now self destruction…”

Life is simple. you’re here, then you die. what you do in the mean time means nothing to the universe and yet means everything to you. So if you’re the universe…

People look up to other people. Their parents, teachers, the guy who seems to have everything figured out, celebrities, self-help writers…shit, politicians even. I know nothing. but I doubt I mean that how Socrates meant it.

19 is old enough for you to stop making the same mistakes. “Don’t expect different results if you keep doing the same thing.” My excuse is that am young, but everything, even excuses get old.

The dream is real. so is the self-doubt and the vulnerability. I shouldn’t have to suffer the same old trials, but actions lead to consequences and sometimes it’s easy to forget to be grateful.

The things that helped you get away are slowly betraying you and you’re relief is no longer at the bottom of a bottle. You’re friends are real and that means you’re just as alone as they are. My greatest fear is mediocrity…OK second greatest. the first being that am already there.

If your trying too hard, it’s not going to work out. I’ll sell my soul my soul for natural flow. I know the theory by heart, the do’s the don’ts.

This will probably pass. Tomorrow i might be in a a place where am actually looking back at this and look up to to say thank you for being in a better place. But it’s easier to regret things then be grateful for what you have.

“This tedious path I’ve chosen…I must keep reminding myself of this”                                        If this is how am going to be for the rest of my life, my heart will break, mu soul will wither. Maybe it’s a good thing i don’t really matter.

“all you touch and all you see is all you’ll ever be”                                                                                 Everything counts. every thought, every action adds up. Be better then you were yesterday and you’re good.

Don’t talk around me. I don’t want to listen. But tell me something and i’m game. Influence or be influenced. Be indifferent and nirvana is you.  It’s high time. But that only means intoxication.

“What are you but my reflection? Who am i to judge or strike you down?”                                    I both crave and fear isolation.

 

 

Glad to see you

so glad to see you here,
hurtling through eternal nothingness,
where nothing was, and nothing will be
except this precious moment

so glad to see you,
we could ascend together,
if only i could cast my demons out,
we could ascend together,
expand and merge into the fabled light

help me stitch my lids together,
while i burn the wool that’s over yours,
pry open the third, and watch the pyramid burn,
against the fabled white light

but if that’s not to be
if this sacred meeting falls short
of burning down the illusion,
then let the light pass…for now,
for i am nonetheless, so glad to see you here.