Dreams of an empty planet, grey and sunless. No signs of life, no breeze, no movement. abandoned cities and towns, waters and skies. the decay is slow to set but time has lost relevance if it ever held any.
If I close my eyes, the world ceases to exist and non-existent it shall remain till I let it be again. But if I close my eyes, and see another world, dream up another world, however I like it, and it exists in my mind. So real. As real as the one I see with my real eyes.
I read somewhere that everything you can possibly imagine has to exist somewhere in the universe for if it didn’t you couldn’t possibly imagine it. The idea being that everything is energy, including thoughts and emotions and energy cannot be destroyed or created. So if it’s in your head, it’s out there. of course it’s just an idea. a thought is probably exactly that: a thought. A figment of your imagination, no more, no less. but the idea is too good not romanticize.
I’ve always lived in my head, and sometimes it gets nasty up there. So the prospect of every single thing i can imagine actually being a reality in some dimension is not that appealing.
I’ve been loathing myself for too long,
in dark crevasses of my mind
shying away from light,
I’ve let these thoughts grow like a cancer
burning, consuming, eating away
at my fragile conscience,
an ever increasing void
that brims with your sickness
i feed on what you give me
and what you give me feeds on me,
your indifference makes my soul cringe
but longs for your warmth, now long gone.
Your flaws irk me
Your imperfections magnified unbearably,
they outshine mine
i wish i could choke you.
i hate myself
but i hate you more.
i’d like to never see you again,
but i don’t have that comfort when it comes to me.
too fat, too loud, too crude
doesn’t matter who you are,
i’ll find your flaws and loath them.
there’s hate in me, but no blame
because in the end, it’s all the same
Because you and I, we’re the same.
“What do you see?”
“The void. There is nothing there. I am afraid the emptiness has consumed him. I’m sorry.”
The high priestess looked away. She was a strong woman. She had to be, ten thousand looked up to her. The last ten thousand.
She gazed into the space. It has been sixty haze years since her brother was thrust into the void along with 12 others. A final attempt to save a dying race. The chose thirteen were shot out into the stars in a last attempt to salvage their species. A failed attempt.
She turned around and grasped the oracle’s hand, not too gently. “Look again old mother. Look one last time, I beg you. He’s out there. His essence calls to mine. One last time!”
The old oracle sighed heavily. She was tired. And old. Too old. Her own essence was running thin. “Alright child. One last time.”
She gazed off again and her eyes turned glassy again. She started into space foir a good ten minutes. And then she grabbed the high priestess’s hand. “I see him!”
The priestess gasped and barely choked back a cry. The old mother continued “He is in his chamber. His essence is strong. He will live child! His path is straight now. He heads towards life.”
Still not able to contain her joy the high priestess asked softly, “How far away from his destination?”
“Eight hundred thousand void years. He will reckon the emptiness of the void even though he sleeps. I am afraid he sees everything in his dreams.”
“Eight hundred thousand…I cannot fathom it.”
The old mother looked up now, her eyes the usual thunder blue again. “But there is hope. And hope is all we need.”
Yes…hope, thought the high priestess of the final ten thousand of the old race as she turned to gaze into the stars and the space from the floating chamber, just below the atmosphere. Hope.
It was just one lousy beer. One lousy fucking beer. Usually it took about four for the underlying stupidity to surface and make me do something…well, stupid. Or reckless. Or a lethal combination of both.
I was with a friend S. It was one of those super boring evenings where you really have nothing to do but you just don’t wanna binge watch some crap on the screen. So we just decided to grab a few beers and kill the night. College huh.
About an hour later I and S are half way down the first beer and maybe it was just the beer (maybe that particular batch had a little extra something) or maybe it was just us, but we were really fucking buzzed. We were on the rooftop and it was a full moon day and the soft breeze carried the salty scent of the ocean.
So we start talking about life (surprise surprise) and S tells me how he is anxious to stop leeching off his parents and get a job and go out on his own. The dilemma being that he doesn’t want to work at a job. (who does?).
“Man, fuck a job. Fuck all that slave shit, go do something on your own.”
“yeah but…where the fuck do I start? What the fuck do I do? I have no idea. And all I get from people is this vague bullshit like “Follow your passion” or “chase your dreams“. Chase this (grabs reproductive organ) bitch. Gimme something helpful. Fucking clowns.”
“Hahaha yeah. Get a job. get a wife. Have a dozen kids. Retire when you’re too tired to do anything else”
I laugh. He laughs. The moon just watched.
I finish my beer and sit up. “You know what dude? I am never getting a job. I promise. Not to you. but to m- *burp* me. I am never getting a job. I am never settling down. Fuck the staus quo. I am going my own way, Fuck all this manufactured reality. Fuck the guy who got a job. I promise. I will not bend.”
I guess that fired S up. “You know what?……. Yeah. Fuck all that.”
He drained the bottle and smashed it against the other side of the wall. “Fuck a job”.
I grabbed mine and mimicked him. “Fuck marriage!”
He grabbed one of the many empty bottles lying around (it is a popular drinking spot) “Fuck adults!”. SMASH.
I fished out a whisky bottle. “Fuck social conventions!”
I let out a howl and S joins me.
S bends down and looks at me with a goofy grin. “Down to the last two bottles dude. Lets make a pact.” (I know…corny. But we meant it and we were drunk so fuck you.)
He hands me one, and clears his throat “We fucking swear on our balls that we will never bow down to society, social conventions or ever give a lovely flying fuck about what people think or say about us!” (I know. pretty colorful huh?) With a war cry he smashes the last bottle against the wall.
Me still laughing, I follow suit. Except instead of throwing it against the wall, I smash it against the wall while still holding it. Still laughing I hi5 S.
There is a wet splash. I guess there was still some booze left in the bottle. But as I held my hand up I saw the bone of my forefinger in the pale moonlight.
“Yo come check this out”. Still laughing.
FAST FORWARD MODE:
S sees the blood and completely loses his shit. Drives me to the university health center on his motorbike. They don’t have an X-ray so they call an ambulance.
Never been in an ambulance before. Am still buzzed and pretty calm but S is shaken up by the blood and he doesn’t want to look at the bone.
At the hospital. Doc smells the booze and makes us confess before stitching it up after the X-ray.
3.A.M in the morning when we finally step out.
S lights 2 cigarettes and passes me one. (My hand is bandaged too heavily).
I pull hard and release a cloud of smoke and watch it float away. Dreamy. Never gets old. “My lungs are so happy”.
S laughs. “You’re fucking loco man. Crazy motherfucker. The only thing I want right now is my bed.”
We puff away, the same moon above us.
I chuckle. “Hell of a pact though right?”
S glances at his watch. “Yeah man sure. I wish these fucking ambulances did return journeys or something”.
“Hmm. Let’s just get an auto”
As we ride back I glance at my hand. The whole thing probably meant nothing. And S and I never mention the pact whenever we told the story over the next few weeks. I am pretty sure he forgot actually.
But not me.
The 9 stitches will scar and be a reminder for the rest of my life.
“Can you please not do that?”
She pointed at my restless leg. “It jerks the desk and I can’t write.”
So I sped up. The desk shook more visibly and the noisily.
She looked at me in disbelief. She was used to nice people, I could tell. Some people almost never run into assholes. Not even the occasional one. At least not at 10 in the morning in the library. Well, bummer.
The look turned dirty as I now started moving the other leg. The desk shook pretty nosily now and I started getting similar looks from the other nerds around me. I held her eyes the whole time. She still had a look of confusion underneath the annoyed, exasperation. I finally stopped. Smiled at her. Winked. And then I got up, put my H.P Lovecraft book in my pack, and walked away.
I didn’t have to do that. I could have just stopped my restless foot jerking. I usually do when people point out. But rationale people expect rationality form others, and when they don’t get it, they either lose their shit and in the process sacrifice their own rationality. Or. They don’t know what the fuck to do, which is the case here with ms.Chemistry PinkEarphones.
I didn’t have to do that. But I could. So I did. And It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. But I did it.
the clock is ticking on the wall,
the sun goes down, leaving shadows behind
betraying light slowly fading away,
and now darkness is, and still the clock ticks.
time is running out and leaves my soul crying,
trapped between what should be and what is,
abandoned by everything except your dreams,
the clock is not your enemy, you are.
is someone else how you want to be?
stumble and fall and get up crying,
walking through this senseless maze,
your essence trailing behind you, fading.
scattered and disconnected and lost in the cosmos,
beautifully dense mind, pitifully empty heart
nothing sets you on fire anymore
nothing calls you out anymore.
endless rancid pits of negativity and disgust
visions of elevation wake you up from restless sleep
only to despair at it’s falsity
and you hear the clock ticking in the darkness.
City skylines and dark moody clouds make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. It rained this morning…for approximately 30 seconds, but at 5 in the morning am pretty much the only one up and I couldn’t share this miracle with anyone else. Because it IS miracle. At least in east coastal India in the middle of April.
I think I’ve been trained to look for reason and logic in places where there simply is none. I understand cause and affect, but I also understand that everyday, things happen that defy logic and rationality. Like the woman who lifted her car to save her trapped baby under it. It just happened. There’s a big fuck you to logic and rationality right there. Not to mention physics.
So I was sweating my balls at the gym the other day (Ok not just my balls, but you get it), I was lifting 25 kg on the bench press machine, which was an upgrade (am a skinny guy, don’t hate) and I finish my standard 3 reps and i think to myself “Damn, at this rate am gonna turn into a monster” and bam, the track on my iPod changes and it’s Monster by Imagine Dragons. Coincidence? of course! And am leaving a little while later and I think back about this and I see this guy jogging by in a Monster t-shirt. Double coincidence? OF FUCKING COURSE!!!