“Can you please not do that?”
She pointed at my restless leg. “It jerks the desk and I can’t write.”
So I sped up. The desk shook more visibly and the noisily.
She looked at me in disbelief. She was used to nice people, I could tell. Some people almost never run into assholes. Not even the occasional one. At least not at 10 in the morning in the library. Well, bummer.
The look turned dirty as I now started moving the other leg. The desk shook pretty nosily now and I started getting similar looks from the other nerds around me. I held her eyes the whole time. She still had a look of confusion underneath the annoyed, exasperation. I finally stopped. Smiled at her. Winked. And then I got up, put my H.P Lovecraft book in my pack, and walked away.
I didn’t have to do that. I could have just stopped my restless foot jerking. I usually do when people point out. But rationale people expect rationality form others, and when they don’t get it, they either lose their shit and in the process sacrifice their own rationality. Or. They don’t know what the fuck to do, which is the case here with ms.Chemistry PinkEarphones.
I didn’t have to do that. But I could. So I did. And It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. But I did it.
the clock is ticking on the wall,
the sun goes down, leaving shadows behind
betraying light slowly fading away,
and now darkness is, and still the clock ticks.
time is running out and leaves my soul crying,
trapped between what should be and what is,
abandoned by everything except your dreams,
the clock is not your enemy, you are.
is someone else how you want to be?
stumble and fall and get up crying,
walking through this senseless maze,
your essence trailing behind you, fading.
scattered and disconnected and lost in the cosmos,
beautifully dense mind, pitifully empty heart
nothing sets you on fire anymore
nothing calls you out anymore.
endless rancid pits of negativity and disgust
visions of elevation wake you up from restless sleep
only to despair at it’s falsity
and you hear the clock ticking in the darkness.
City skylines and dark moody clouds make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. It rained this morning…for approximately 30 seconds, but at 5 in the morning am pretty much the only one up and I couldn’t share this miracle with anyone else. Because it IS miracle. At least in east coastal India in the middle of April.
I think I’ve been trained to look for reason and logic in places where there simply is none. I understand cause and affect, but I also understand that everyday, things happen that defy logic and rationality. Like the woman who lifted her car to save her trapped baby under it. It just happened. There’s a big fuck you to logic and rationality right there. Not to mention physics.
So I was sweating my balls at the gym the other day (Ok not just my balls, but you get it), I was lifting 25 kg on the bench press machine, which was an upgrade (am a skinny guy, don’t hate) and I finish my standard 3 reps and i think to myself “Damn, at this rate am gonna turn into a monster” and bam, the track on my iPod changes and it’s Monster by Imagine Dragons. Coincidence? of course! And am leaving a little while later and I think back about this and I see this guy jogging by in a Monster t-shirt. Double coincidence? OF FUCKING COURSE!!!
What does it take?
Will you sacrifice everything you are right now for what you will become?
And the clouds split, the rain stopped, the sun broke out and I fell down on my knees, tears streaming down my red eyes, screaming “yes!, yes!”.
I’ve been here. The acid is still in my head as i type out these words and it feels like something has to be said about what happened while the memory, and more importantly the feeling lasts. I’ve just realized I’ve never written on acid before. I am incredibly sensitive to everything right now, and a little vulnerable. But it feels friendly.
Nothing has been solved. Nothing has been accomplished. But i don’t see why something has to be accomplished in the first place. who came up with that shit?
Communication is vital. But sometimes much is said even when you’re not speaking.
Funny is good. Funny is awesome. Laugh. Cause it’s funny. (WTF :P)
A person who is a good tripper is the kind of person you want around you.
I need to remember to surround myself with positive things. This is so fucking important and just so obvious why the fuck would i let some dumb, retarded shit into my reality? Need to be careful.
There is an incredible difference between people who want to get better and people who think they are people who should want to get better. The latter are toxic.
I miss my friends.
I can’t think and type. i Can just type. Thinking is a hindrance. it adds impurities.
Did i tell you am on acid? 😛
L.S.D didn’t answer the questions. It just showed me there is no one to ask to.
How am i ever going to end this post?
the clouds moan above as if in sympathy,
for the silent one below
and then the tears roll,
hurtling down on the lone one
head raised to the skies,
only thing colder then him is his heart
an empty smile to the heavens,
he hears the silences between the thunder
timeless, sacred child,
no one can break his heart
this unholy defiance of love,
might scare some, but not him,
wild one below
blessed aloneness amongst a pit of writhing souls,
incredibly vulnerable and yet unbreakable
blessed one, dreaming of ascension,
amid the tears and cries of the skies.
Quote’s from Fight Club for those who are wondering.
A generation of clueless men. A generation trying to live up to some imaginary expectations of a vague entity.
So the question is, what makes a man? Cliched? Sure. Pertinent? Undoubtedly. Forget what a women expects of you, forget how you’re supposed to be like and forget everything you thought you knew about how society works. Empty the cup. Make space. And maybe we’ll figure it out. Maybe.
She was 5 foot 1 inch, maybe 2, definitely not more then 3. Huge eyes that could stare into your soul and if you looked into them too long you, would forget what you were saying.
For someone so small she was quite bossy. So when I refused to move a couple of seats so that she could sit next to the air-conditioner, her face turned sour, her fists clenched and she called me “pig headed dick”. I think that’s when I fell for her.
I had to bend down to kiss her even when she was standing on her toes.
Her hands pulling my hair.
And her eyes…those goddamn eyes. Staring into my soul.
School made me nervous.
Exams made me nervous.
Result day made me nervous.
Girls made me nervous.
Tomorrow made me super nervous.
Then I started getting high.
The cigarettes fucked my lungs.
The pot fucked my motivation.
The porn fucked my emotions.
The television fucked my perception.
Then I stopped.
I stopped smoking pot and drinking booze.
I stopped jacking off to pixels.
I started going to the gym.
I started getting things done.
I got clean.
The nervousness increased.
The restlessness increased.
The desperation increased.
Now am here.
Still no sex.
still no money.
Still no clear direction.
Still emotionally fucked.
But I woke up the other day at 5 in the morning as usual and I went out the terrace. I saw the stars and the moon, and I watched them till the sun peaked out. Then I watched the sun. And heard the birds sing. And breathed in the cool morning air. Salty from the ocean nearby.
My mind empty.
My soul calm.
I didn’t want anything anymore. Too tired.
Too tired from trying.
So i just watched.
And I let go…
I let go.